I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
