my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
