Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
