y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
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You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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