there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
