It's Friday. Sex?
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
