Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
