I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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