How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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