Yo dont text me then not text me
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
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