I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Randomize
