I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
Welp...herpes.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Randomize
