She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
