I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I wanna eat
then eat your cupcake
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.