just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
23 Parents Gave Awful Advice about “The Birds and the Bees”
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
These 19 Deaths Are Ironically Hilarious
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.