Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
