what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
