uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
