The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
