How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
