I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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