I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
