After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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