Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
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