my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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