I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Shame - the story of my life.
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