Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Randomize
