do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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