Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
