seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
