what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Boobs speak an international language.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
