I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
