I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
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