I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
