I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
