the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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