He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
It's not a walk of shame if you run
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
