I'm jealous of your bromance
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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