Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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