I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Randomize
