The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
