Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
