So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
