she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
