I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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