I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
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