My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
