I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
