Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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