Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
