i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Randomize
