did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
