Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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