I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
