a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
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