sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
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