Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Randomize
