The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
