Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
