her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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