I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
