God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
